The maid of honor just puked.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
