Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
