god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
