Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
