Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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