The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize