Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
