So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
