Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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