It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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