im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
