Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
