Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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