please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
