Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
