yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
