What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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