I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
