We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
