Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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