The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
