Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
