Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
