so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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