take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
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