I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize