you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
