he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
