Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
