i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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