Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
