she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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