right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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