He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
