I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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