If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
