Three words: puerto rican gang bang
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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