I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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