I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How does it feel to date your dad?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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