If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
