she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I can't turn off my feet"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
