positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
