brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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