I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
