took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
