I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
