Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
