I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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