god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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