I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
