god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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