my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
