I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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