Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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