remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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