My sheets look like a crime scene.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
