Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I didn't notice because vodka
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
