I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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